My friend Leonard is a keen royal-watcher. #Simpleton. I said, is it possible to get masks of the Duke and Duchess of Sussex? He said no. I said why? He said because there isn’t a single person in the world who wants to look like Harry. #Harsh
Don’t be so ridiculous. I passed this on to the Posh Cousin. She said there’s a WhatsApp group called Posh Cork Liberals Who Want You to Know They Got Their Kids Baptised Because They Didn’t Want to Upset their Mothers. I said is there anything that could undermine the love a southsider feels for his mother? She said, a massive hike in inheritance tax.
My oldest friend (42) lives in Rio. I said, how do you drive a Brazilian crazy? She said, lick his ear-lobe. #Experienced
I know a lot of lawyers very well — that’s why I wouldn’t recommend them. I checked with my GAA mad cousin, No Fault Fergus. I said, is it likely the ban will catch on in Cork? He said no because when it comes to stupidity copying someone from Meath is up there with licking a raw chicken.
I’m good friends with a judge. (A must-have in Cork when you’re looking for a lock-in.) I said, under what circumstances can you ban a Liverpool fan from your house? He said, when you have something worth stealing. #FollowsEverton