Everyone needs a vice, and a good old-fashioned coffee addiction has the benefit of boosting productivity, while also being pleasingly socially acceptable.
Here’s a few things you’ll understand if you simply can’t function without a steady stream of caffeine…
1. You’re not that fussy about your coffee
Quality cafetieres and bespoke blends are entirely wasted on you, as you view your caffeine fix the same way a bike wheel views oil. The ability to get through the day distilled in a cup, coffee isn’t good or bad, it’s merely strong or weak.
2. Caffeine headaches are the worst
Like a thousand woodpeckers attempting to burrow their way out of your brain, the caffeine headache strikes with Shakespearean inevitability every time you miss a daily dose. Something so simple as a lie-in can be a one-way ticket to paintown.
3. Home-working has been great for your wallet
The annual hit to your bank balance dealt by morning and lunchtime cappuccinos probably equals a small nation’s GDP. Forget the train fare – switching to instant coffee at home could single-handedly pay off your mortgage.
4. It’s hard to motivate cutting back
We know, drugs are bad, but out of all the world’s addictions caffeine is definitely among the more benign. Cigarettes are bad for you, heroin is very bad for you, but evidence for the negative health impacts of caffeine is scant.
5. Your tolerance is through the roof
“You shouldn’t have coffee after lunch,” they say, apparently without realising that your 2pm double-shot latte will swiftly be followed by two more.
6. That said, it’s possible to overdo it
Even you have lines that should not be crossed, and the infamous ‘day of the 20 espressos’ still raises eyebrows. Think crazy-eyed staring, infectious paranoia, and enough hand trembling to ensure typos in every email.
7. You can’t see the point in tea
In Douglas Adams masterpiece The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy a small army of hospitality robots tries (and fails) to understand why, when offered every beverage in the universe, humans opt for hot water and dried leaves. We’re with the robots.
8. You are not a morning person
The stereotype holds that a pre-first cup coffee drinker is comparable to a grizzly with a migraine, but in reality we’re just really, really tired. We’d probably be grumpy if we could manage it – we just don’t have the energy.
9. The mid-afternoon slump is real and devastating
To paraphrase Isaac Newton, every action has an equal and opposite reaction, and for every frenetic energy spike there’s a 2pm crash that borders on a coma. There’s a very simple solution. Drink even more coffee.
10. You remember when your office got a coffee machine…
… and it was the best, most dangerous day of your life.
