Ask Audrey: Kerrymen would give you the eye even if you had a moustache

Thu, 25 Jun, 2020 - 17:30

Ask Audrey

It’s getting urgent on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Babes Who Know How Much Weight You Put on Since March the 12th. Cliona_BMW720 said she’s half-woman, half Pringles because she thought there was no way we were going to the sun this summer. FiFi_ScoilMhuire said she’s let herself go because they booked a staycation to Kerry, and the men down there would give you the eye even if you had a moustache. But a couple of us would have connections into Simon Coveney and apparently Marbella is in play from mid July. The last thing we want to do is walk off the plane down there like a couple of wans from Killarney. So, what’s the best three week crash diet online, the more expensive the better? Jenni, Douglas Road

My friend just launched a new weight-loss programme for Posh Cork on YouTube, it’s called Most People Can’t Afford This. I said, what’s extra exclusive about your exercise programme. She said, I teach women how to moan and groan in Blackrock Road accent, your husband might like it. I said, he can’t get me to moan and groan in a Ballinlough accent, let’s work on that first. #ZeroTechnique

C’mere Audrey, what’s the story with chatting up old dolls when the pubs open next week? I do be old school when it comes to flirting in a bar – ‘what’s your name, I like your eyes’ and then lob the gob. Budgie said I do be a sleazy dinosaur, to which I say Budgie, at least it’s better than being one of those guys who a gets a ‘hi’ from an old doll on Tinder and says, I bet she’d love to see a photo of my langer. So like, the only problem is the two metre rule means I’d a be shouting me chat up lines across the pub and some brutal looking one might think it was meant for her. Is there a nice way to say sorry love, that was aimed at the blondie wan behind you, give her a nudge there and tell her I want her? Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

I rang my Posh Cousin there to discuss. She said, I don’t like the sound of Dowcha Donie. I said, I can actually see where’s he’s coming from. She said, so can I, Blackpool, I wouldn’t touch him with yours.

Hello, old stock. I was looking at a bit of yacht porn there on-line, it’s where you watch a couple doing the biz on a yacht they’re trying to sell, it’s absolutely massive in Kinsale. Anyway, beep-beep on a phone, WhatsApp from Duckie Prendergast with a story from the Examiner about a crematorium in Kanturk. I normally wouldn’t be bothered about anything in north Cork because they’re basically Limerick people with clean underwear, but this one caught my eye. Apparently there is opposition to a new crematorium up there in case it leaves a smell in Kanturk. Sorry now, but any odour trying to make its mark in Kanturk is up against it, particularly if the wind is blowing from Newmarket. Do you think I should drive up and tell the protesters to cop themselves on? Reggie, Blackrock Road.

I rang my niece in Charleville and said, is there a particular odour off people who die in north Cork. She said, there is actually. I said, what does it smell like? She said, relief.

C’mere girl, sorry about the disguised hand-writing but if my ex-husband hears that I’m after winning 7 million quid he’ll try and get back with me. (He’s from Bandon, you know yourself.) As you might have guessed, I’m the person who bought the winning lottery ticket in Togher and no, I don’t want to hear about your cat who needs to fly to Miami for an operation. The problem is I live in Bishopstown, and if word gets around here that I do my shopping in Togher, they’ll boot me out of the tennis club, 7 million or no million. So here’s the deal – I obviously want to move house because Bishopstown is really just a waiting room for people can’t afford the Model Farm Road. Can you ask your property editor in the Examiner, Tommy Barker if it’s possible to buy a place there on the hush hush? Deirdre, not my real name, Bishopstown, not my real address for much longer, thank God.

Tommy is persona non grata there since he described the Model Farm Road as Ballincollig Avenue. My friend (doctor) lives out there, I said I have a client who wants a hush hush move, are people in the Model Farm Road good at hiding their wealth? She said, that’s like asking if Kerry people are any good at hurling.

Hi girl. I’m the leading influencer in Ireland measured by the number of times my kids say, do we really have to pose for another Instagram post, we have no life of our own. #ShutUp! Anyway, I’m going to Donegal to promote staycations, do you know anyone that would give me a huge Merc for the week? @YouSoWishLike, Turners Cross and Monte Carlo, I’d rather die than actually holiday in Ireland.

You probably WILL die when you see what they charge for fish and chips. My uncle is a car dealer, I said what’s the best way to get a free Merc. He said, persuade Micheál Martin to appoint you as a minister. #Topical.