X Marks the Spot

Cast: Vin Diesel, Asia Argento, Marton Csokas, Samuel L. Jackson, Michael Roof

Cert: 12PG.

Been there, seen it done better.

We have here the charmless Diesel as a sort-of James Bond, we have a mad Russian (Csokas) in an underground complex aiming to wipe out the world via a submarine, we have a sexy girl, we have a gadget-supplying Q ...

Hold on, isn't this a 007 movie?

Well, no, it's not. It's a garbage-laden rip-off of a deeply unpleasant nature in which Diesel, a man of limited talent and charisma (like, zero), plays his Bondlike character with absolutely no idea of the tongue-in-cheek element required. Everybody concerned thinks this is a serious drama where wit should not be permitted to shine.

And what Samuel L. Jackson is doing in this mire of incompetence remains the year's great cinema mystery. Jackson does have a habit of turning up in some awful disasters ... like appearing in a kilt or wandering along a lonely road mumbling gibberish about pigs. But, hay, it pays the bills!

We can only live in hope that Diesel runs out of fuel quite soon.

Star Rating: *