Sex advice with Suzi Godson: My girlfriend is too sexually adventurous for my liking

I talk to people all the time whose relationships have ended, and when they reflect back on what went wrong, they often articulate this very phenomenon.

They describe how the effort they put into becoming the person they thought that their partner wanted them to be, left them feeling exhausted and somehow separated from themselves. Often their reasons for compromising were driven by personal insecurity. They wanted to be wanted, and so they did anything they could to satisfy their partners.

It is, of course, always easier to identify unhelpful events or behaviours in the rear-view mirror, so it is encouraging that you have identified this conflict early on.

You are clear about the fact you want a quiet life, but you also know that you don’t want to lose your girlfriend. Differing sexual styles cannot always be reconciled; a person who has strong views about monogamy, for example, is never going to be happy with a partner who believes in open relationships, nor will an introvert be happy with an exhibitionist.

However, people who are exactly the same don’t work well together either; two people who like to be dominant are never going to be able to meet each other’s needs, for example. It is also true that difference can be a big asset if you know how to harness it. In many successful relationships, it is the push and pull of one person’s desire to explore and the other’s willingness to follow that keeps sex exciting.

“Difference” creates the friction that gives a relationship momentum, and because it generally forces couples to communicate about sex, it can often be a blessing in disguise.

If you find it difficult to discuss sex, talking about previous sexual relationships and how they made you feel can be a useful way in.

When people are young, their preferences and fantasies are often heavily influenced by previous relationships. If your girlfriend had an early relationship with someone very adventurous, she may assume that this is what you want too.

Explaining to her that you prefer a gentler, more intimate approach to love-making may actually give her permission to stop performing and start “feeling”.

Similarly, if you reveal your own insecurities and she is sympathetic, you may find that you become more sexually adventurous. Knowing that she won’t make you feel embarrassed if you admit to feeling awkward or uncomfortable makes giving things a try less risky.

I am sure that if you talk, you will find ways to ensure that both of your needs are met. Agree that a percentage of your sex life will be spent in bed doing the things that make you happy on the understanding that you will, occasionally, be persuaded to step outside your comfort zone and explore beyond your boundaries with her.

As long as you are emotionally on the same page and she agrees to hold your hand, you can navigate pretty much anything.

- Send your queries to suzigodson@mac.com