‘I had it all — on paper. Inside, I was the most unhappy, depressed girl’
In 2007, I “had it all” or so they said. On August 15 that year, my school principal ripped open my results
envelope to announce to every bystander that I had achieved 600 points.
The following Monday the offer from Trinity College came rolling in, and I was soon to be signed to one of the top modelling agencies. Sure, I had it all — on paper that was.
Inside, I was the most unhappy, depressed girl, who had devoured her own heart for academic excellence. It would be six of the most miserable months in university for me, before I would finally be hospitalised in a psychiatric hospital.
Let me explain. From childhood through to my adolescence, there was one thing, I, like many young girls of that age was just fixated upon: What it was everyone else thought of me.
I wanted to be smart, I wanted to be cool, and I wanted to be pretty. Unfortunately, in my later teens, I found a new obsession. I wanted to be thin.
Well not exactly. Eating disorders, surprisingly, do not begin with a person’s desire to be thin. Rather, I had an obsession with controlling outward perceptions of myself.
I reckoned, around age 17, that if I could just prevent myself becoming fat, I could at least control what people thought about my figure. The desire to please everyone, to conform, to control what they thought — this became a full-grown monstrous obsession known as anorexia nervosa.
It wasn’t long before interventions were attempted. But I argued my way around every one of them. For me, the Leaving Cert was the be all and end all, the pinnacle of my career.
I was the girl who had achieved 11 As in the Junior Cert, as well as become class prefect, debating captain, Maths Olympia entrant etc. There was no way some silly weight loss thing was getting in my way.
Foolishly, I expected that when college began it would change. It’s so clear to me now how mentally warped I was. Did I really think my world was going to suddenly improve over numbers on a piece of paper?
I went to Trinity expecting a new environment to dissolve my problems. Really it was a new fairground for self criticism, obsession and utter desolation.
In April 2008, less than a year after I had sat my “outstanding” exams, I was surrounded by the walls of a psychiatric ward. Outside the sun was blazing across Dublin city, I could almost hear the lively laughs of first year flirtations in the halls, nights out and day trips revelling in the freedom of youthfulness.
Tears rolling down my cheeks, I knew there and then, that none of those points actually meant anything. I had a BMI of 14 and could barely make it through a day without fatigue, depression and the desire to die. Right there and then I would have traded every A1 for a chance to just feel alive, healthy and happy.
Over my recovery and the years that followed, I was to learn just how distorted my view of the world, of education, and the Leaving Cert had been.
I thought I had to do what I felt was expected, what was in my “potential”. I never once stopped to ask myself who I was or what I wanted. I made choices based on an ill-conceived notion of success.
I learned the hard way that happiness is never going to come handed down on a piece of paper. Happiness is the simple but difficult art of knowing yourself, looking after yourself and finding out what you want.
Over ten years on I’m now trying my hand as a freelance journalist, hardly a high flying career - but it affords me a healthier lifestyle, a creative outlet, and an opportunity to just explore my interests, all things I now know are more important to me than any salary or test score.
If you are one of the lucky ones to earn your points and gain your college place, then I, of course, applaud you. I would never denigrate the value of ambition and hard work to get what you want.
If you know where you want to go, then by all means go for it, and do not think for a second my story is warning you against that. But if things haven’t turned out as expected, and you have no clue what will happen, that is not only OK, that is wonderful.
You can continue to explore what you want, and find out which life will bring you health and happiness.
I almost killed myself trying to fit the mould, so please don’t ever believe this one piece of paper is going to determine your fate. Because once you have your health, and trust your heart, let me tell you, you are as successful as it’s ever going to get.
