Which of these 7 Valentine's Day couples are you?

You are browsing the special Valentine’s Day Menu, which is the normal menu with €10 added to everything, and a heart-shaped crème brulee under Desserts.

You take a look around at all the other incurable romantics and what do you see?

FIGHT IN THE TAXI COUPLE

Hang on, are they sending WhatsApp messages to each other at the table? Yes they are. It turns out that he hesitated for 5 milliseconds when she asked him, back at home, if her purple jumpsuit was trying to hard. (There’s a 3 millisecond limit on ‘trying too hard’ issues, no exceptions.)

The conversation in the taxi went as follows.

Him: “Did you do something different to your hair.”

Her: “No.” (The taxi driver tried to break the ice by answering, “I got a perm”, which made things slightly worse.)

Now they are at the table, on WhatsApp.

“What did I do wrong?”

“Do I have to spell it out?”

“Usually.”

“Lol. Ya big eejit.”

“Phew.”

TINDER DATE COUPLE

You read it right the first time. Declan’s Tinder profile reads: “I have to warn you, I’m a little bit crazy and up for trying anything, as long as it isn’t against the law, as the fella says. Lolzers.”

This has usually been enough to frighten off most women; however Joanne desperately needs to find a guy for her cousin’s wedding, and what could be wrong with testing Declan’s love of the crazy by going out on Valentine’s. Well, we could start with his dickie bow and take it from there.

She asks him what’s the craziest thing he ever did. He says proposed to a woman on a first date, with a rose between my teeth.

She says I need to go to the toilets. He says are you going to climb out the window? She says, hopefully.

IT’S NOT YOU COUPLE

He’s whispering the words to ‘Cheerleader’, by OMI, across the table; she’s got that smile, we’ve all seen it. He’s a week, tops, from getting the bullet. (She was actually planning to break it off with him in late January, but he got some terrible news that his spinster aunt died, and didn’t leave him any money.)

He gets up, winks at her and heads for the toilet. She takes out her mobile phone.

You mouth ‘Tinder?’ at the woman sitting next to her, she nods back.

Aren’t people very helpful?

DIFFERENT WAVELENGTH COUPLE

They’re almost down to the last drop of add €10 to the price prosecco.

She flashes him one of her smiles, the one that says, we’re amazing together, who cares that this is a cheesy Hallmark occasion, I just can’t believe I’m so lucky that I married my soul-mate.

Her smile gets him thinking - maybe she’ll be on to try their special thing in bed, even though it isn’t my birthday.

He flashes her back one of his saucy smiles, followed by a wink.

She mouths “not a chance” and goes back to her heart-shaped crème brulee.

It was lovely while it lasted.

WE DON’T DO VALENTINES COUPLE

Ask him, and he’ll say we don’t do Valentines. Her take is OK, we said we wouldn’t do Valentines, but would it kill you to surprise me now and again.

Yes, it might.

That’s why they’re sitting in the special ‘Don’t Do Valentines’ table that restaurants put near the jacks, for the big day. (Technically speaking, he’s sitting in the jacks.)

The table is for the guy who rings at 5pm on Valentine’s Day, desperately looking for a table.

The person who takes the call can hear his partner in the background, shouting “A fun-sized Crunchie with a f**king candle in it won’t do this year, Killian, you better get us a table.”

He does, but it’s not a happy table.

FIRST-TIME PARENTS COUPLE

The downside is they’re at the next table and there’s a faint smell of baby puke off both of them.

The upside is they are at the next table so you can hear every last word of their attempt at conversation.

“Cheers, Dave, we finally got away from little Jack.”

“Cheers. Are you sure something terrible hasn’t happened to him.”

“My mother is there.”

“Exactly.”

“What have you got against my mother?”

“She forced us to come out on a date tonight, when we could have stayed at home.”

“And done what, Dave?”

“Have sex?”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Dave.”

“I know. Do you mind if I put my head in the risotto and take a quick nap?”

“Go for it.”

LOOK-AT-US COUPLE

It doesn’t actually say on the menu that you can get sparklers on the heart-shaped crème brulee. But that doesn’t stop this couple from asking.

The waiter comes back and says it doable, for an extra fiver. This is enough to deter well-adjusted people, but that’s not the category of choice for Look-At-Us couple.

They go for it.

Suddenly it’s impossible to say you are truly in love with our partner, without a sparkler in your heart-shaped crème brulee.

Within minutes the whole restaurant is aglow with the things.

And the owner is googling “Second Holiday Home in Marbella.”

You gotta love Valentines.