Tearing up the script with a dating detox
Natasha Scripture’s dating detox turned into a spiritual reckoning across four continents. We could all learn from her, writes .
You’ve heard of he-toxing, but what about a man fast? What if, as a woman, you become tired of the script society keeps thrusting at you? What if you need to meet yourself before you can truly love another?
Natasha Scripture’s mother wanted to see her daughter “settled” with a “kind, sporty, multi-millionaire” – her mum particularly liked Roger Federer – who would never tire of procreating.
Her mother had a Nora Ephron take on romance, “where good looking people bump into each there at the tops of skyscrapers, or in bars when they’re least expecting it”.
Natasha, then working for the UN, was exhausted from explaining to her mum that it was “nearly impossible to find a husband while doing short term stints in refugee camps, war zones and natural disaster areas”, even if she had been looking for one.
She was “already married – to adrenaline”.
Eventually, after a career working for the BBC, CNN, TED, Al Jazeera, National Geographic and Conde Nast as well as the UN, Natasha realised she was burnt out.
“The urge to settle down had kicked in,” she writes in Man Fast: How One Woman’s Dating Detox Turned Into A Spiritual Reckoning Across Four Continents.
“It was partly biological, partly social conditioning, partly cultural,” and also spurred by the illness of her father.
She began dating – “a lot” – even though her heart wasn’t in it; she felt that she should, that she ought to. That it was the next expected step.
Dating in New York however, rather than embodying the japes of Sex & The City, proved to be “a soul destroying endeavour often involving creeps, players, social climbers, commitment-phobes and way too much intoxication”.
She rejected suitors for a comical array of reasons: for licking their fingers while eating; for not knowing where Addis Ababa was; for having a face slightly paralysed by Botox; for snorting coke in the bathroom between courses; for wearing raspberry coloured trousers; for reviewing the bill like they were studying for the bar exam; for requesting a blow job.
Yet despite some perfectly viable encounters, Natasha realised her mass rejections were because, “on a subconsious level, I knew there was work to do and I could only do it alone”.
Then her father died; he would never meet any future grandchildren. His death was instrumental in rerouting her quest from external to internal. She began looking inwards, and realised that her path was to meet herself, rather than a potential partner.
“It’s an experiment in mindfulness, in taking time to meet ourselves,” she says. “You could call it a midlife crisis, because they are not just for men. It’s the heroine’s journey, rather than the hero’s journey.
"This book is about spiritual awakening, creativity, and the integration of the feminine and the masculine. We have subconsciously adopted the patriarchal mode of power and success – achievement, goal getting, and the patriarchal notion that women are incomplete if not wedded to someone.
"Yet the patriarchy is relatively recent – for a 20,000 year period, men and women lived as equals.”
And so began a profound and thorough exploration into her own psyche, that started with the simple act of slowing down.
Beware the barrenness of a busy life, warned Socrates; she also quotes American teacher Ram Dass, author of Be Here Now: “The quieter you become, the more you can hear.”
Instead of dashing about the globe at a frenetic work pace, Natasha began a slower journey that took her through Ayurveda in India (herbal enemas and therapeutic vomiting – yikes), Kundalini yoga in Sicily, silent vipassana meditation in California, WWOOFing in Italy (World Wide Opportunities on Organic Farms – basically, posh grape harvesting), exploring nature in Tanzania, and privately marrying herself, during a morning meditation.
Her vows included “I, Natasha, give myself permission to pursue happiness and meaning in non-traditional ways” and “I, Natasha, am whole and will never again doubt my own wholeness.”
It’s not as earnest as it sounds. Natasha Scripture fizzes with intelligence and curiosity; her book is funny and bright and fearless.
Why should we not question everything, she wonders, as we react to the world around us: “There is currently a shift in consciousness – Trump and his misogyny is resulting in the radicalisation of women,” she says.
“He’s creating activists of us all.” So Man Fast, despite its title, is not about dating or self help or any of the usual guff presented to women.
"It is the female trajectory of Odysseus, undertaken by an erudite woman who explores everything from her own body to the Bhagavad Gita, via sitar lessons in Harlem and peyote in the Costa Rican rain forest.
"Nothing is off limits in Natasha’s voyage of discovery, apart from forming intimate relationships with others. They are off the menu.
“And there it was,” she concludes. I did not need to look for love because I was love.”
Man Fast by Natasha Scripture, is published by Piatkus
