Should I have no-strings sex?

Sex advice with Suzi Godson.

Should I have no-strings sex?

Sex advice with Suzi Godson

I am a 48-year-old, divorced woman. I am not quite ready for a relationship, because the divorce was recent, but the marriage was largely sexless for the last three years and I miss the physical company of a man. Do you think I should practice with one-night stands?

The trouble with no-strings sex is that it has a nasty habit of tying people in knots. People think that they won’t get emotionally involved, but often they do — and women sometimes find it harder than men to compartmentalise sex.

This may simply reflect that many men have stronger sex drives. Women, however, generally find it less satisfying to engage in meaningless sex.

This could be because we are taught, from a very early age, that sex is an experience that can have meaningful consequences, such as pregnancy, but it could also be that lots of women need an emotional connection before they feel comfortable being intimate.

Divorce can be such a toxic experience and most people emerge from it feeling fragile, vulnerable, and cautious — so it is not necessarily the best time for you to be seeking a new relationship, whether casual or more intense.

Having said that, we are programmed to bond with each other, and so, perhaps, despite our better judgment, some of us deal with a break-up by looking for a new sexual partner. We kid ourselves that we won’t get emotionally involved, but it’s not easy to avoid, at any age.

Several of my friends have tried to use casual sex as a way of getting over a painful split, and it hasn’t worked for any of them.

Of course, that is only their experience, and this may not apply to everyone. But I would advise you to exercise caution, because it’s not necessarily a positive experience for everyone.

Sometimes, people think that they want sex, but actually, they want someone to make them feel valued and needed — and casual sex is unlikely to lead to that. You may find yourself, instead, feeling rejected, embarrassed, and rather stupid.

Having said that, if you meet someone with whom you want a fling and feel excited by it, that is quite another matter — go for it.

As long as you both are clear about what you want from the experience, fun, short flings of a few weeks can be a way of getting back in touch with your body, particularly if you have been in a sexless relationship for a long period.

It is important to be honest with yourself, and with each other, about your motivations, so that you don’t end up hurt or feeling rejected. But flings are one thing, and one-night stands are another.

I am not sure that you would feel completely comfortable about the latter. As you are already fragile, it is possible that it could do more harm than good.

If it is sex that you want, the safest person to have it with is yourself. Why not take the time to focus on your own body, at the moment? Buy a really good vibrator — the Lelo Sona (ovehoney.co.uk), for example. Learn what your arousal feels like.

Read some intelligent erotica and learn to appreciate the path from your first, faint flickerings of desire to an orgasm. The more you learn about what you want, the more sexually confident you will be, when the right person does come along.

Send your queries to suzigodson@mac.com

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