Ask Audrey: Spending more than 150 is My Big Fay Gypsy Confirmation
Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for ages.
By shipping all the gobshites off to Australia. I asked my Posh Cousin what’s the idea behind the traffic ban on Patrick’s Street. She said the city council has a plan to turn Cork into Ireland’s Pompeii by this time next year — all going well, it will just be guided tours with a robot saying “and over there used to be Mandy’s.” I said, is there any chance that city centre trade will be saved by people using the Park and Ride. She said, when was the last time you saw a Cork person with money getting on a bus? I said never.
It’s important to look well for the Bishop. Bad news. Spending more than 150 quid on a confirmation outfit is the same is putting your child in a t-shirt saying ‘Proud to be A Norry’. That’s actually the opening line of my new book, the Little Book of Posh Cork. You’re no one without it.
20 minutes is long enough for me. In fairness, I feel sorry for you. It must be awful going out with someone from Wilton. The only things of note out there are an ugly hospital and a huge walking track for old people. (Or Wilton Shopping Centre, as it’s known locally.)
That’s pretentious, even for Blackrock. I asked my gay nephew are there any tell-tale words a man uses to signal that he’s a homosexual. He said there is one actually — if he says the word ‘yes’ when another man suggests sex, that’s a very clear sign. I said there’s no need to be so smart.
So, because when you are living in Macroom, the only way is up. (Unless you take a wrong turn and end up in Millstreet.) There is an app that can help you, it’s called Google Maps. Plug in Cork there and drive east until you reach a place where the smell is barely noticeable. (AKA Ovens). I rang my uncle in Macroom yesterday for some local insights. He said, do you know that Macroom is known as the town that never reared a fool. I said, so you were all born one. He said I never looked at it that way. At least I think that’s what he said.
