Ask Audrey: 'Let's just say my hands are busier than an STD clinic in Clonmel'

So, I said to the old man last night, look Bernard (that’s his name) I’ve heard of this place called West Like Cork where ethical, handsome people like me can run an organic farm, without necessarily making any money. He was like writing a cheque before I finished the sentence.

So, it’s pack up the vintage Audi time and hello just outside Ballydehob. So, like, you know, basically, what’s a farm?

Gordon, Dalkey, are they strict on smoking weed in West Cork?

Very strict. In fact it’s compulsory. The trick with a farm is to have less than 10 animals in total, with a minimum of two llamas.

That way people will assume you are cool and environmentally aware. Own 10 or more animals and you become, what’s known as, ‘a farmer.’

This is a total nightmare because people will assume you listen to Country and Irish songs called ‘I’d love to feel ya in Inchigeelagh.’ (Imagine.)

Hello, old stock. As part of his 2018 resolution to cheat on his wife with 20 women from the lower orders, my friend Hoggy signed up for a dating site called NorriesWithNeeds.

Let’s just say they seem to be rubbing off on him, in more ways than one. Only yesterday he announced plans to restore a Ford Escort and drive it to some place called Redbarn, for a game of darts. (In a Glasgow Celtic jersey. He might as well join the I.R.A.)

I’m honour bound to get him kicked out of the yacht club. Do you think this is the end of a beautiful relationship?

Reggie, Blackrock, I have my eyes on his R.C.Y.C parking spot.

Not to mention his wife. I checked with my GP about this. He said we are slap-bang in the middle of Norry Season, it’s highly contagious, and if any southsider starts contemplating pitch and putt, or watching Can’t Pay, We’ll Take it Away, they should stay indoors wearing a Pres scarf, until the symptoms subside.

I said, are you actually a qualified doctor? He said not really, but I’m from Sunday’s Well, so people just assume.

We bought our son a pedigree Labrador puppy (Zebo) for Christmas. (Four figures, but nothing I wouldn’t spend in Brown Thomas midweek.) We didn’t think there would be a problem, as the dog came with a No-Norry Cert, stating that both his parents were from decent parts of the southside. (No Mahon, no Ballyphehane.)

Unfortunately, when my plumber Tony from Churchfield called yesterday, Zebo started wagging his tail at the sound of his accent. Do you think I’m due a refund?

Fiona, Blackrock, the poor fella became embarrassingly aroused.

Tony? Isn’t it well for some.

It’s hard to beat a horny handyman. (Unless he asks for it, says you.) I checked with my Posh Cousin, where would be the best place to find a pure-bred bitch around Blackrock.

She said, try the school run. I said, I didn’t know dogs could drive. She said, who said anything about dogs. Very cutting.

I’m cheating on my husband with this guy at work who’s from Clonmel. He came into the office after Christmas wearing a new aftershave popular with in south Tipperary, called Lookin’ for the Ride.

The thing is, I’m driven demented with desire and can’t keep my hands off him. Is there any way I can stop myself?

Claire, Carrigaline, I’m reluctant to breathe through my mouth.

You don’t want people thinking you’re from Kilmallock. I’m having a similar problem with My Conor. I imposed a sex ban week after he asked me to pretend to be Caitriona Perry in the sack. (Here’s the news My Conor, you’re on your own until March.)

Unfortunately his barber sprayed him with a new fragrance developed for the posh Cork market, called He’s A Legend on the Mall. Let’s just say my hands are busier than an STD clinic in Clonmel. (I hear some people are calling it New Kinsale.)

How’re oo goin on. Herself has started attending an erotic fiction book-club inside in Bandon and it’s fair to say that she has rediscovered her interest in bedroom activity. (At the age of 79, no less.)

This has come as a surprise to me, given that I officially retired from that carry on in 2013. While I am able to rise to the occasion as the fella says, I keep losing my erection.

Do you have any idea where it might be going?

Dan Paddy Andy, head out towards Enniskeane until you come across a man reading old Falcon Holidays brochures in the hope of getting aroused.

My Conor used to swear by JWT. I asked my sex therapist friend what happened to your erection. She said it’s probably anxiety.

I said what could possibly worry a man about having sex with his 79-year-old wife. She said where do I start?

Harsh.