Cormac MacConnell: Cormac’s plan to get the economy buzzing

And good luck to him. He has served us well during his tenure of that hot seat through testy times.

Inevitably, on the edge of the leadership battle, all parties in the political cockpit these days and nights have been jockeying around, as they seek to protect their existing personal positions in and around the Government.

That makes for compulsively enjoyable viewing and listening for all the rest of us on this island. As good as a circus, and better than most of those nowadays. The purest of truths, yet again.

I have very bad news, however, for those politicians who today have their sights set on the top portfolios connected with our ongoing major national problems such as a housing crisis, unemployment which is still stubbornly too high, a faltering health service, and environmental issues climbing steadily up the scale.

No matter who wins the leadership battle, you see, I am hereby publicly offering my services as a Minister for Salvation of all these problems, and now publish a list of cast iron guarantees which, for sure, no other candidate can hope to match.

It would be worth your while to cut out this column and keep it for reference in the weeks and months ahead of us. I fully guarantee that, given the opportunity by either Simon or Leo, I will implement every element of this dramatic new social and economic programme to the last comma.

This is earth-shattering stuff indeed, but I am offering it out of the goodness of my heart and soul, with no wish at all of anything other than a nominal salary and expenses.

And I will not be claiming any huge pension or golden handshake at the conclusion of my truly patriotic project. That is a hard promise.

Now read on with awe and amazement.

There has been a sharp interchange during the leadership hustings about the plight of lads and lassies who get up early in the morning to keep heads above water.

And there have been criticisms of workers who do not get up early in the morning, for a host of reasons.

I hereby guarantee that, if given power, I will provide jobs and work for thousands of workers before this coming Christmas. Furthermore, I will employ and deploy hundreds of workers who do not get up early in the mornings and who are only interested in sex and having a bit of craic in life.

We need those too, to brighten the Irish landscape.

Immediately, and concurrently, I guarantee to provide ALL workers with a high standard of accommodation to meet their every need.

They will have every creature comfort from Day One.

No more sleeping bags in wet doorways. They will have food of the highest possible quality without stint.

I will also provide them with a consultant who will quickly and efficiently provide the highest level of immediate healthcare.

There will be no trolleys in corridors any more. That is a cast iron guarantee.

Where else would you get that nowadays?

The lads who like to get up early in the morning to go out to work will be treated equally to the lads who sleep late.

They will have totally equal status and opportunity, housing and healthcare.

There have been social problems and issues on this island and others in recent decades, because of a perceived level of gender discrimination against females.

I will have none of that.

I will follow the European pattern, where powerful women like Merkel and May, and Sturgeon in Scotland and Foster up North, have displayed real political and social skills.

All the management levels in my new society will be female, including the CEO, and accordingly, everything will run like clockwork. Ye are bamboozled now, many of you, but again this is the pure truth. Mindboggling, but true.

My thousands of new workers, furthermore, will work for the entire communities amongst whom they dwell, and will be welcomed by all citizens they help.

All of them will be model in their behaviour at all times, and will only deploy any kind of angry behaviour if their homes or larders are attacked by enemies. One could not blame them for that either, in a just society.

Some of them will have been born and bred abroad, but the majority will be native for many generations. They will be especially happy when assisting farmers, particularly tillage farmers, and all involved with horticulture.

When the dust settles in the political corridors of power next week, I will be expecting an urgent call for help from Simon or Leo, and I will be receptive, as a good citizen, to that certain request for assistance.

In the meantime, those Doubting Thomases amongst you, who feel that MacConnell has lost the last of his marbles at last, might find it worthwhile to check out the thriving Rentahive operation in Ireland and elsewhere, where professional beekeepers rent you a beehive for reasonable rates, and install it in your own garden...

Maybe you should read the lines above again!