'Toast selfies' are an actual thing now
How many times have you sat at your breakfast table in the morning and as you spread butter over your toast, thought to yourself: "If only there was a picture of my face on this slice of bread recently browned by radiant heat, my life would be complete".
Well, dear reader, hold on to your underpants - that previously unimaginable dream is now a reality, thanks to the dedicated research and tireless work of the boffins at The Vermont Novelty Toaster Corporation, who also trade under the name 'Jesus Toasters'.
No, we are not making this up.
Quite frankly, we wish we were.
According to the company's president, the wonderfully-named Galen Dively, the good people of VNTC have finally made "custom images on toast" a reality, with the acquisition of a 'CNC plasma cutter'.
"This is a first in the novelty toaster world," Dively said in an actual press release that was actually issued through an actual PR newswire.
Wait, there's a novelty toaster world? TAKE US THERE…
"Before, setup fees and large minimums effectively limited personalized toasters to larger companies, corporations and individuals with deep pockets," Dively continued, ignoring my jibes.
"We are creating a whole new market; personalized impressions on toast available to all.”
And more power to you, sir. You're doing God's work.
Basically, it works like this - you send a picture of yourself (or a picture of anything you want) to the guys at The Vermont Novelty Toaster Corporation and they send you back a toaster which will forever scorch that image on every slice of toast you ever eat ever again.
Apparently, the written-with-a-straight-face press release says that selfie toast "has been a goal of the company for several years now"
“We finally acquired the machinery needed to make it happen,” said Mr Dively.
Of course, the Vermont Novelty Toaster Corporation (" founded in a barn off a dirt road in North Danville") has been breaking new ground in the novelty toast sector for quite some time, starting with the 'Jesus Toaster', singlehandly responsible for the bottom falling out of the eBay 'Jesus on my toast' market.
Emboldened by this success, the company moved from Catholic iconography to the Rastafari movement:
They've also done Prince:
And Jon Bon Jovi, although you might need to squint a little bit for that one:
Order your own selfie toaster at burntimpressions.com but bear in mind the company's own warning:
Genius.
